Its been a while....

March 2010 was my last enrty I almost forgot that I had a blog but I think that I am going to try to make writing here a daily or at least a weekly thing. Putting my thoughts in to words always seems to make things easier to comprehend!

 My wonderful son is now two & is the biggest handful ever. But he makes the hard days not so hard & the good days worth more then the world. I wish that I could keep him little forever! He talks & I swear is gonna start reading all on his own. It's amazing how smart he is & even more astonishing how quick of a learner he is. Children really are gods greatest gift! I am so so truly blessed to have my son & have made it my life's goal to let him know that he is truly loved.


Earlier today I was running over the past year in my life & I realised that there are ton of things that I have missed, taken for granted, & even lost. It makes me wonder if the things that I have done are what I was supposed to do or if I some how strayed off track and am just lost in this crazy life. There are some things I know had to be done but what about the others? Sometimes I let my mind take flight and it does zigzags, barrel rolls, & loses me between the moon & the stars. I miss a lot of friends that I used to have not just within the last year but back when life was going to school, doing homework, & sleep overs! Simple days like that make me giggle as I remisise over all the memories & people my path crossed! Friends to me have always been a treasure that I valued indeniably but as I made friends the past two years it seems as if the value of a friend is lessened by the need to be someone that is seen as what society deams acceptable. What happed to pinky promises, trusting, & being told the truth.

I like everything the way it is....

There are so many things that can change in such a small amount of time. For getting older to learning new things, getting your heart broken to just fall in love again! I have come to appreciate the saying "every thing happens for a reason"!

I have been walked all over more some many times that I would have to use my toes, cause I just don't have that many fingers. But I have found that one person that makes my heart beat fast, my palms sweat and gives me butterflies just by looking at me! He really does have my heart and now I see that I had to be hurt a few times to appreciate some one real! We may fight a lot and we may get on each others nerves but we always work it out and still love each other when we are done. To me that is real! Although neither of us are perfect he is as close as it gets in my eyes. My son is so big I can't believe that he is only 5 months old! Sometimes its hard but then he smiles at me and I know it is all worth it! He is just like his dad, that is truly undeniable! I love to watch them play together, the smile on their faces is irreplaceable. They even look alike they both have those blue eyes that are to die for, dimples, and a personality that is irresistible. He crawls and giggles all the time. He is constantly a smile on my face with him. It really is amazing how much you can love someone. But for me I guess its how much I can love 2 someones! My boy are what keep me going and I love them both with all my heart and that is never going to change!

Everything I wanna hear, just not when I wanna hear it.

There are alot of things from certian people you love to hear. From someone special you want to hear "I love you", from friends "I'll always be there". Everyone at some point wants to hear someone say something to them just to make everything make sense. So what do you do when you are told something you have been longing to hear, but it is not told under the right circumstances?......When the situation makes the words seem forced or ingenue. You want with all you heart to believe what you're being told, but there is that part in you that can't bring your self to. So what are you supposed to think?
So ask yourself this simple question; Would you rather take the chance at something that could be amazing or would you rather live with the regret of never knowing? Now in some peoples eyes taking the chance on something is better then living with that regret of never knowing. Others may look at the situation and see nothing but the pain that could come form taking that chance, but why would anyone want to live in a life where all they can focus on are the negative outcomes that life its self may bring. Of course if you can not go in to any situation with not having prepared yourself for possibilities weather they be good or bad. Life is something that can never be predetermined, because if it where there woudl be no wonders or adventures to experince. So live your life, take chances, and look back knowing that you did everything looking for that adventure.

One year.....

Back in May of my senior year I got my 1st MIP (minor in possession). That is when I met Ryan, he was introduced to me through my friend Dee. He was of course a bad boy and in to the parting every weekend. Not really someone my parents approved of, we talked for a couple months and then just stopped talking. I worked with his mom (Chris) at MRS (Mountain Regional Services). She was the one who told me that Ryan had got sent to an impatient center in Utah due to our MIP's in May. I guess that she had told him I was working with her because not more then a week later she asked me for my address so he could write me. Amazed I gave her my address and starting talking to Ryan again through letters. We wrote( a total of 4 months) till he got out, which was the beginning of January of this year. The week after he got home, he asked me to come over and watch a movie with him, so I did. We spent pretty much everyday together I was really the only person his mom would let him spend a lot of time with. I guess she thought I was a good kid, which of course was not the case at all. I was still in to the parting and all that. I had not told Ryan that of course because he had just got out of treatment and had been sober for a whole 4 months so I did not want to be the one to ruin it for him. In one of our many night together I ended up getting pregnant. I told his mom that day at work and asked if she would go with me to the doctors to get a test to be sure. She agreed and after work we headed to the clinic, I took the test and sat in the waiting room with her waiting for the results. The nurse came out and told me that I was pregnant and was 4 weeks along. I couldn't do anything but cry and tell Chris how sorry I was. She of course was crying to, and as we left the doctors office she called Ryan and told him that he need to be home cause we all need to talk. On the way to his house I called my mother (Peggy) and told her as well as my father (Bob). I cried the whole way to the house and as we walked in the door I could see Ryan in the kitchen smoking out the window. Never making eye contact with him I listened as Chris told him that he needed to be calm about what I was going to tell him and that we needed to talk about it. So looking at the floor I told him that I was pregnant and that it was of course his. He didn't say anything for a few seconds and then said how do you know its mine. Which ripped my heart out cause he was the person I spent most of my time with and he knew that. He was really upset and seemed pissed. We really did not say much to each other so I left. About 2 weeks after we had found out the news he texted me and asked me to come see him so we could talk and decide what was going to happen I agreed.We talked and he agreed that I should either keep it or go for adoption. By this time I had already deiced that I was going to keep the baby with or with out Ryan's help. That is when all the fighting started, all of his friends had put the notion in his head that the kid was not his and that I had been sleeping around on him around the time I had gotten pregnant. And of course living in a small town everything gets to everyone and it ALWAYS gets twisted . So for the first 3 months all I heard was my kid was this person or that persons. It was annoying and I hated it, but my friends would stand up for me and tell everyone to shut up. Ryan kept going through girls like they were candy and EVERY TIME he got new girl it seem like they wanted to beat me up. Which I found quite funny for the most part but I will admit it got really old really quick. We talked and were friends on and off for my entire pregnancy, but for the most part the only people there for me were a few friends and my family. And of course there was the point that Ryan and his mom wanted a paternity test. All I told them was okay go for it you are more then welcome to pay for someone to tell you exactly what I am telling you. Finally September came and I felt like I had been pregnant for years not months. I was so excited to be in my last month, and of course nervous beyond reason. I had found out some time in May that it was a boy and that he was due on September 26Th, 2009. Well me being nervous ended up going in the Monday before his due date (the 21st) because I had not felt him move in 24 hours. They checked me in to the hospital and hook me up to some monitors to see if he was okay. Thankfully he was fine. My doctor asked me if I wanted to come in the next day to just be induced and I said yeah. So we set up a time to go to the hospital and get the ball rolling. Ryan had text me the night before I had to go in and I asked him to come up to my house because I needed to talk to him. When he got here we went for a walk around the block and I told him that the next day we were going to have our little man here. He asked how I knew for sure and I explained to him what had happened . I asked if he wanted to be there and he said yes, I had to be at the hospital at 7:30am and him not being a morning person said he would come at nine or so. When I got to the hospital that morning with my mom, Larissa (my best friend) and her mom, I had already been contracting on my own. The nurse hooked me up to my IV and the patocin (helps labor speed up). Soon after that Ryan and his mom arrived, he was very quite but sat with me and let me squeeze the crap out of his hand. I got my epidural and the pain calmed down, thank heavens. The nurse noticed that the baby's heart rate kept going up and that my blood pressure was dropping. My doctor told me that it would be best if we went ahead and had an emergency c-section. I started crying because I was scared and of course didn't really want to be cut open. But it was best for the baby so it had to be done...September 22ND, 2009 at 12:28am, God gave me my own angel.... Unfortunately he ended up having pneumonia and we had to stay in the hospital an extra week. But he is amazing and strong and made it through just fine.

Talen Chaz Richau There are so many things in my life that have changed in a year. It is crazy to think that last year at this time I was all about myself and getting to the next party. All I even thought about was how can I out do last weekend and what excuse am I going to give to my parents for showing up an 4 in the morning. I was always on "go" trying to out run reality. I had started college and was doing good until I met a boy and let myself get to wrapped up in him. Then of course not having the responsibility of having to go to school all I did was work and then blow my pay check on things I didn't need. I starting pushing my family away and doing things without thinking about the consequences. Now I am a mom and I would not give it up for the world. I may be doing it alone and it may be hard at time but I know that I am going to be the best mom that I can be. And I know in my heart that God would not have given me this child unless he knew that I would do the best I can to be there for him and love him unconditionally.